Sweet victory

So since THE time I rode "swamp thing" at Wild Adventure and couldn't buckle or unbuckle.... What lead to my realization of my problem... I have just avoided the rides with the harnesses. Anytime we would go, I'd just go get a drink or sit out doing something else.
Yesterday when I slipped on the always-too-tight jeans without a hitch I decided today was the last day to use our passers and I was going to ride that ride.
And that's what we did. I worked for a while in the morning and then went to wild adventures when we got home.
Sat down on the ride and clicked the buckle WITH slack... Was able to click it twice down further on myself. Felt good.
We went on a few others with harnesses and I was just a regular person on the ride.
Sigh.
Monty asked if it felt good and it did. A little piece that had died inside came back to life.... A piece yesterday did the same thing.
So much of my personality has been hidden by the weight, suppressed to not draw attention to myself. No fat girl wants that attention. So you just sit back and chill while everyone else is around.

Now, I'll be interested to see what the bathing suit difference is this summer when we go to Splash Island.

Emotions hit like a ton of bricks

I have tears rolling down my face. I was NOT PREPARED for this. I put on a pair of capris... In the dead of winter, that would never button and I just never took back a few years ago... And they fit! No sucking in, no jiggling and rearranging rolls to get them on, they are loose! Holy emotional! Seems too good to be true!

The society we live In

So I went to an early lunch this week. When I start out I always think about what I can have where.... I was to the end of the street I drive down and there was a waffle house. Eggs and bacon! Score!

So I go and end up getting an omelet. I sat and picked at it, as would be the more appropriate term for my eating style these days. After 15-20 minutes I was full so I asked to pay for the ticket.

The waitress was concerned and asked if there was something wrong with my food. I said "no, I'm just full"
You see, a fat girl picking at food and not
Finishing should indicate something is wrong. If my 102 pound sister did the same thing.... They would have thought she just can't finish her food.

That's the society we live in.

A few of the Little things

It's the little things

Watch rotating around wrist
Seeing a scar again in your face
Rings falling off fingers
Bra underwire working properly
No side bra fat
Wrist bones
Monty noticing from pictures he found on the computer
People commenting about weight loss
Weighing less than your husband

These are in the first two weeks post surgery. I know there are more to come... But it's all the little things to get you to the big things.

Lost

I am going to do other blogs but want to record this while I'm thinking about it...

April my starting weight : ### (still not ready to write that

December 13 (day of surgery) - down 25 pounds

December 29 - down 35

The funny thing is I only see it in my face, in my wrists and in my fingers. I know it's other places but I don't see it.

Here we're my jeans this morning .

My waiting skills are not so good

I should be a month out. I should be a month post op.... but here I sit, waiting on a phone call to schedule my surgery... with no real end in sight. I say that, I heard "sometime in September" and then last week heard "next week we will call with dates".... and tomorrow is Friday of "next week".... and then today "by October".
I have plans in October. Monty has a class in October. How can something so good turn out to be such a pain? I know in the end it will all be worth it but also know its so incredibly frustrating to be on this end of it!

Who ever said Patience is a virtue....

Never had to deal with being patient! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I just want to know when I will have surgery. I had it all set up, every detail lined out and now its all up in the air again. Who knows when, how, where....

The scheduler - who you would think would have all the time in the world now, wont answer the phone to answer any questions. I just wanted to get an update. I was told last week September, maybe October. I would say I cant wait that long but what choice do I have? I know I will look back and the time wont really matter but now it seems so far away.

Hurry up and wait, you would think the Air Force is behind this operation! That is their motto I swear!

Glass....

We may shine, we may shatter,
We may be picking up the pieces here on after,
We are fragile, we are human,
And we are shaped by the light we let through us,
We break fast, cause we are glass.
We are glass. 

I feel like shattered glass right now, still picking up the pieces. 

Friday was such a day of extreme high to extreme low. 

I went to my pre-op on Wednesday and got a good feel for the surgeon. He had quite the sense of humor. Maybe not a good sense for everyone but I got all the jokes. So got all the do's and don'ts. I got the diet, which I was already following of no more than 30 carbs a day. Saturday and Sunday would be liquid only. 

Thursday picked up medication for after surgery and the ride home. 

Friday, waited for the call from the surgery center to give me a show up time. So about noon I got the call to be there at 8am. I know the show time is about 2 hours prior to surgery times. So planned to leave the house about 5:15 and be there in time. Texted Monty and told him the new details. 

About 3:30 the doctors office called .... and the glass shattered. 

"Hi I  was calling to let you know your surgery has been cancelled. It will be sometime in September if you want to wait."

I didn't get a lot after that... I think that the doctor is opening up another surgery center  in another location. I got that the extra part of the surgery would be done for free now and I would be refunded. Guess thats a bonus but still heartbreaking for all the build up. 

I got off the phone (I think she could tell my voice was shaking) and laid on by bed and just cried and cried. Such a big let down. 

I am going to call again tomorrow and get the real details since I just kinda shut down after hearing the word cancelled. 

Sigh.

down 15

I am not brave enough to give my starting weight just yet but I will some time. I think its still so scary to actually admit. I just the other day admitted that number to Monty. Anyways I am 6 days from surgery and have been doing the 30 carbs or less hard core since Friday. I did it for about a month but there would be times I went over. Hard core though..... and since then I have lost 4 pounds. I dont see the loss but the scales says it. With that 4 pounds, that takes me to 15 pounds total since I started this part of my life. This quest to lose all the extra weight, physical and emotional, weight. That takes me down to a number I haven't seen in YEARS and only saw them when they were creeping up not going down.
This is just with diet. I am excited to know I will be eating LESS and feeling full. I would expect that I will loos more before the surgery especially with the liquid diet {eeeeek} the two days before and not eating for a day and liquid diet after and not eating hardly anything for a while. I am excited for that!
I am getting more and more excited, even if my dreams are getting more and more weird!

More than I bargined for....

So going into this journey I knew it would be life changing. I knew it was a choice to make myself better and healthier.
I went for my second appointment today to make sure all my stuff was done to submit to my insurance company (the lovely Tricare). So in the long list of things I needed ready by this morning, one was lab work. They tested me for everything. I joked and said a vampire would have been happy with my donation that day. It was 11 viles of blood. Probably enough to have actually donated blood.
So I would venture to say I have never had that amount of in depth blood work. Some when I was pregnant but not to that extreme.
Well the results came back and the dr said he noticed high cholesterol (doesnt surprise me at all) and even more than that, he noticed my levels elevated for my CPeptide. This is a test that is more in depth than just a incilin test. He said based on those levels, in 5 years my pancreas WILL quit and I will be diabetic. While that didnt really surprise me too much, it sure made me even more ready to get the show on the road. Its all going to be good!
I have lost 7 pounds since starting out there and that is a good start. Far from where I want to and need to be but the number is going down and not up!
So now is the waiting game, waiting for an approval and then to start scheduling! 

Day 2 - No Carbs

No carbs, not so fun! I sit here with a headache and TIRED! But this is a choice, just choices to change through out the day! A choice to be a better me! Keep telling myself that.
Chesnee is my little cheer leader, she is ready to skinny shop with me! Its a good motivation tool for me to see her want this for me!

Through Thick and Thin

Last night Monty and I were talking about two girls who have done bypass in the past few years. They look POLAR opposite of what they did look like and its a great transformation. I think seeing the girls before and after pictures, it really hit Monty about how big of a deal this will be. I looked over and asked him "Are you ready for the total difference it will be in me?" His reply made my heart happy "Whatever ends up happening, I just only love you" There are tears welling up in my eyes just typing that out. He does love me - whatever I am.
I just don't like me. I like the me inside, just not the me outside.
I am looking SO forward to the "after".... Monty might deploy  -- ok probably will deploy so he would be gone six months after surgery til a year out.... it will be a big transformation then too.

Time keeps going on and I am looking forward to getting all the stuff lined up and ready for surgery. I just want to start this to get it over with....

And I am so glad he loves me through thick and thin....

Motivate me

So post surgery I cant wait to wear this first shirt. Its an XL, but it runs small with it being sinful. I bought it a while ago and spent WAY TOO much on it. Monty wanted so badly for me to have something Sinful to go with his Affliction.... so we got it! I am ready to wear it!

So this is my ULTIMATE goal shirt. I bought it in Okinawa (obviously) and thought "I'll get that small one day".... well ---- now one day I will. This is a Medium and I cant wait to wear this shirt! I think this is my super feel good goal!

Are you nervous?

I went today for my first REAL appointment consult with the surgeon's office. The last one was just informative. Today was my background and health assessment....
Interesting appointment and I left excited about the future.

There were all sorts of questions asked about history, about family and about any problems I have had or are having. My blood pressure is high, again... so with that I am making an appointment for that with the regular doctor tomorrow. I have to get a few referrals from him anyways.

So I had my questions (how long is the procedure? 30 minutes - but a total of 4 from getting there to checking out on a normal basis). (how do fills happen and how do you know how much to fill them? xray).... and the doctor asked if I had anymore questions.... to which I replied nope.... and he said "are you nervous since this is your first surgery?" I just said "no. I think I am worried for my husband...."

Monty has never been on the letting go end of the surgery aspect. He's never been in the waiting room after signing the risks paper work... He has never counted the minutes of a "x minute surgery" and wonder why the time has already passed. I am nervous for him, for his feelings not my own.

Consult

So I have had my first consult with a surgeon in Valdosta, not really here but all the consults are here. The surgeon is in Jacksonville, FL... about 2 hours from here.
I went with questions and high hopes. It was a relatively quick appointment but I ended up with more info to help me in the consult.
My friend had bypass so I was pretty set on that because its a forever change and has great results. After hearing the odds of 1 in 200 of death within the first six months then I was no longer on board. The lapband surgery has much greater odds, from the 1 in 200 to 1 in 200,000. I'll take that. I am also going to get a plication, which, with the lap band has mostly the same effect as the bypass but there is no re-routing. Its much much much safer.
With all that said I go on Monday to start the journey. I have an initial appointment for history etc. Then I have three months of nutritional counseling and then the package is submitted to Tricare. With my numbers, the doctor here says I will be an automatic approval.
Whew - lots of stuff coming up.

Timeline wise this surgery - an outpatient procedure - will happen around Labor Day.

There is only a hand full of people that know. I dont want to hear backlash from people. I dont want anyone being a naysayer and not supporting me. There arent many who know about this blog and I dont want it all public until after wards. I want it for me and to help people in the same boat.

Thick skin?

I can decide if it's thick skin or building a resistance to the pain.
I asked the kids if they'd rather have a skinny mom or if it really even mattered... They all said I was just their mom... No size issues. Well Shelby just kept saying "I don't know"... I knew she was just smart enough to not answer the questions to save my feelings. I even told Monty that when she pedaled away. Far from the way she was as a toddler... Mean and hateful, today she has the biggest heart.

Well today, she said she just said she didn't know because she didn't want me to worry about her knowing how fat I was....
See they see it, they realize it. I never want them to be ashamed of me. Embarrassed to have me around friends. That's not fair to them. I hate that for them...

So hopefully there is a major change around the bin for me... For them!

The breaking point

Here is the only skeleton in Kristi's closet!

So in an effort to get real, sometimes it hurts and shakes you to the core of your being. When you feel defeated. I rarely RARELY ask for help, I am very independent. I need to move something, I move it. I need to go do something, I do it! Task too big, probably but I am still going to do it or die trying.

So I came to my breaking point and my broken-hearted realization that I am over weight.... in a serious way. Not just over weight.... I fall into the MORBIDLY obese category. Morbid - that is hard to associate with yourself.

There have been little things here and there but this day rocked me to the core.
Went to Wild Adventures with the kids for Spring Break. No big thing. We rode rides and had a really good time that day. Qyn had a friend, Shelby had a friend and I was Chesnee's riding buddy because she is just a little too short to ride alone.
4 of us went to get on Chesnee's favorite ride. The ride where you are suspended and ride. No big deal until it was time to get on the ride. I have been a tight fit for a while in the seats but been fine. On this day - it ended up taking two people to buckle me in. That stung a little..... well ride is over and the harnesses lift for us to get off and mine does NOT. Its stuck. Here I am, the fat girl stuck in the ride. They come and try to release it, it wont release. Then they ended up getting a special release switch to get me out. All while this is going on.... Im laughing it off, its what fat people do. You laugh so you don't cry. Another ride I went on, I ended up having to switch seats so the ride balance was ok.
That was it, it rocked me to the core and made me realize that I am more than just overweight. I need to do something for me.
That night I came home did the rest of the usual routine. Monty and I went to bed and I never said a word. Its embarrassing.  Monty laid on my chest and went to sleep and I ran my fingers through his hair for about an hour, with tears of defeat and disgust running down my face.


So I picked up the phone about a week later because it took me that long to have the courage to make the call. I simply said I needed an appointment to talk about weight loss help. Step One complete.



I take responsibility for my actions over the years.  For years, I have been a mom and wife first and then me when I have time. I have driven through the drive thru to get food for the kids because its late and its the easier. I have eaten meals at 10pm because that is when I had time. I have taken the easy way out and its time to think about me. Think about what Kristi needs to do to be here for my husband and kids.
I don't want to be the person people talk about "Oh those poor kids - their mom had a heart attack at age ____30's, 40's, 50's....." That is not the story I want written about me. I am more than that! I have a better story waiting to be written.

Things a fat girl wants - that a skinny girl will never understand...
*Collar Bones
*a towel that wraps around my whole body
*I want to weigh less than my husband
*I want to know my husband can pick me up and hold me.
*wear clothes in normal sizes, from normal stores in normal styles
*not secretly wanting to know you have a friend who is fatter than you so you aren't the fat girl
* want my kids to not be embarrassed to have me as a mom in front of their friends
*I want the self confidence I had before BACK! I want that more than most of the others
*I want to wear a belt
*I dont want to look like my mom

I know I wont be back to what I was in my early twenties pre-kids. I just want to be healthy and have self worth and a good self image. I want to be around at my kids high school graduation and wedding and when they have babies. I want to enjoy those babies for years and years.


So onto step two - the appointment! To be continued...

I just wish

I just wish the pounds would come off easily! It seems as though I loose 5, gain 3, and fight back and forth! I have a friend who had bypass and I wish it would be easy to do that. Just have a jumpstart, get back on track to get rid of all this. All this from babies and being too busy!
I am SERIOUSLY insecure now! This summer that became so evident too! More stuff to just make me realize how fat I really am. What I could be.
I never have energy in the morning, I get the urge to go do something when i crawl into bed at night and my mind is racing and if I do, then i have even more energy. Vicious cycle.
Just down and out today!

Running is stupid

 I am sure it will get better but right now I just get winded and dont enjoy it. I cant say that, I enjoy the JUST me time. I am alone most of the day but I am busy running around and the jog/walk time tonight was just me and a loud running playlist.
I should have walked today but ended up not walking. I knew I HAD to run tonight then. The run doesn't burn NEARLY the amount of calories when walking and don't get winded! I have to say at the end of the walk, I was sweating and felt good for going and doing this.
I think I am going to do the Couch to 5K program to get into running. It just alternates running and walking and in 9 weeks you can run a 5K. I don't have any plans of a 5K but maybe I will enjoy it more and get into it after I feel more confident. I even ran in the dark tonight so no one in the neighborhood would see me running.
I feel good tonight and will start the couch to 5K tomorrow (if its not raining).

Starting tomorrow....

Dont we all say that, starting tomorrow I will run, walk, exercise, loose weight!
Well tomorrow starts a challenge with a group of girls from all over the world. We are a secret group and I know them from various places and times! I will keep track of my overall weight loss since I started this blog but then a side track of the challenge time! Its from Jan 17 to March 16th.

Down 14

Though I still dont like the number on the scale, its 14 less than it was and that is nothing more than being aware of what I am eating.
We started the Dukan diet this week so hopefully that jump starts it even more. Time will tell ;)