150's

I don't know if its the fact that in the "150's" seemed so unattainable. or the fact that that was my real pre-pregnancy weight... but whatever it is, it seemed so far away and now it is here.
I am doing better at focusing on good choices during the days. I had slipped off and wasn't really counting carbs like I was. I knew a round-about... but now its hard core again and I  see results.
I am in the 150's... as in 159 but its there. The 150s sounds so close to the 140's which would hold the 100 pounds mark really close. Its the end of October and I want to loose 19 more pounds un the next two months. I have lost 6 pounds in three weeks. So if I could keep that up, I would do it! I could be 102 pounds lighter by Christmas. That will put me right at a year from surgery. My goal was 102 pounds. Its close enough to grab.

IF I ever get to 165, I'll be happy!

At 190, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 200, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 220, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 230, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 242, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.


Here I sit, at 161, 4 pounds less than my "happy" and know that two things have happened....
I have overcome so much and won the race to a happy 165. Got there, stayed there a little too long, and moving on down. Maybe that was God's humor in me getting stuck there for a while, to teach me happy is more than a number on a scale.

I thought 165 would NEVER happen. It was the far, far, FAR away number that would just get to...

Now I am 1.2 pounds away from being in the 150's. Haven't seen that since before I was a mom (and I'm quickly approaching being the mom of a teenager).... and 165 isn't my happy. I became happy when I saw someone in the mirror changing. I saw the change at about the 200 mark and every day, I see someone evolving. I have caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror recently and before my brain could register it was me, in that instant my thought was "she is pretty"...
I wear my happiness differently now. First off, I wear it on the inside and out. Before the smiles were forced, but just to appear happy. I wear the happiness with a good dose of self confidence, rather than the self doubt. I have done something I never thought possible and while its a daily struggle (more mentally), I have done it. I am lower than my happy weight. The Kristi I knew in high school came back. That girl, the girl who was more confident than anything. Now she just has a triumph under her belt....

Now, if I get down to ____ I will be happy! That _____ is to be determined. I am already happy. But I do want to loose more weight. I feel healthier now than in years but I also know there is more to loose. I do have a goal of loosing 20 by mid December, but regardless of what my number is then, I will be happy! I will be much happier than I was last year and that, in the grand scheme of things, is all that matters.

Picked up on, not picking up

Last year we went to the local Hahira Honeybee Festival. I was so big... So fat and so hot that I nearly passed out. I spent probably 1- one and a half hours to cool off in the shade enough to function. 

It was embarrassing. And I felt bad the entire family just had to wait on me. What a sad existence. It was a pivotal moment. Just horrible. 

This year I was bound and determined to make it a good day and redeem myself. So again, I stood in the heat, in the sun beaming down in a line at the same booth to get food in. I tend to make myself do the same things to make sure I can. Maybe it's just me...

So last year I was squatting down ordering my food as I was seeing black. Moments from passing out. This year I was standing in line... With a guy trying to pick me up. It's comical and funnier because I don't even realize it's happening.... Perceptive as I am, it seems like there is no way it can happen so when it does.... I don't even see it happening. 

Today's moment of clarity Los after probably 20 minutes of conversation but him saying "it's been nice talking to you in line. I'm sure when other guys talk to you, they are always flirting." Me: "yeah, usually not." Him: "well I don't see why not"... That's when it hit me. Hmmm...

Picked up on, not having to be picked up from nearly passing out.