150's

I don't know if its the fact that in the "150's" seemed so unattainable. or the fact that that was my real pre-pregnancy weight... but whatever it is, it seemed so far away and now it is here.
I am doing better at focusing on good choices during the days. I had slipped off and wasn't really counting carbs like I was. I knew a round-about... but now its hard core again and I  see results.
I am in the 150's... as in 159 but its there. The 150s sounds so close to the 140's which would hold the 100 pounds mark really close. Its the end of October and I want to loose 19 more pounds un the next two months. I have lost 6 pounds in three weeks. So if I could keep that up, I would do it! I could be 102 pounds lighter by Christmas. That will put me right at a year from surgery. My goal was 102 pounds. Its close enough to grab.

IF I ever get to 165, I'll be happy!

At 190, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 200, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 220, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 230, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.
At 242, if I get back down to 165 I would be happy.


Here I sit, at 161, 4 pounds less than my "happy" and know that two things have happened....
I have overcome so much and won the race to a happy 165. Got there, stayed there a little too long, and moving on down. Maybe that was God's humor in me getting stuck there for a while, to teach me happy is more than a number on a scale.

I thought 165 would NEVER happen. It was the far, far, FAR away number that would just get to...

Now I am 1.2 pounds away from being in the 150's. Haven't seen that since before I was a mom (and I'm quickly approaching being the mom of a teenager).... and 165 isn't my happy. I became happy when I saw someone in the mirror changing. I saw the change at about the 200 mark and every day, I see someone evolving. I have caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror recently and before my brain could register it was me, in that instant my thought was "she is pretty"...
I wear my happiness differently now. First off, I wear it on the inside and out. Before the smiles were forced, but just to appear happy. I wear the happiness with a good dose of self confidence, rather than the self doubt. I have done something I never thought possible and while its a daily struggle (more mentally), I have done it. I am lower than my happy weight. The Kristi I knew in high school came back. That girl, the girl who was more confident than anything. Now she just has a triumph under her belt....

Now, if I get down to ____ I will be happy! That _____ is to be determined. I am already happy. But I do want to loose more weight. I feel healthier now than in years but I also know there is more to loose. I do have a goal of loosing 20 by mid December, but regardless of what my number is then, I will be happy! I will be much happier than I was last year and that, in the grand scheme of things, is all that matters.

Picked up on, not picking up

Last year we went to the local Hahira Honeybee Festival. I was so big... So fat and so hot that I nearly passed out. I spent probably 1- one and a half hours to cool off in the shade enough to function. 

It was embarrassing. And I felt bad the entire family just had to wait on me. What a sad existence. It was a pivotal moment. Just horrible. 

This year I was bound and determined to make it a good day and redeem myself. So again, I stood in the heat, in the sun beaming down in a line at the same booth to get food in. I tend to make myself do the same things to make sure I can. Maybe it's just me...

So last year I was squatting down ordering my food as I was seeing black. Moments from passing out. This year I was standing in line... With a guy trying to pick me up. It's comical and funnier because I don't even realize it's happening.... Perceptive as I am, it seems like there is no way it can happen so when it does.... I don't even see it happening. 

Today's moment of clarity Los after probably 20 minutes of conversation but him saying "it's been nice talking to you in line. I'm sure when other guys talk to you, they are always flirting." Me: "yeah, usually not." Him: "well I don't see why not"... That's when it hit me. Hmmm...

Picked up on, not having to be picked up from nearly passing out. 

Glimpse in the mirror

I was wearing a shirt I just got the other day, along with some jeans that are now my favorites... And they are skinny jeans (something I never thought in a million years I would wear).... I walked past the mirror in my bathroom. That mirror was avoided for so long. I didn't even want it in there... And Monty had talked about a full length mirror too. Heck-to-the-NO! 

But last night, I walked past it... Saw someone in There... And for a split second though "she's pretty!"... 

It caught me off gaurd.. And then I stopped, as I was about to walk out the door when this happened, and looked at her. 

She was normal, she was wearing a size small shirt, she was smiling a real smile... She was pretty! 

She was me. 

Transformation Tuesday

From this.... 

To this! 

Stats:           Before    Sept 2013

Weight:        242         162

Jeans size:   20           10

Shirt size:      XXL         S

Shoe size:     9             8

Ring size:      10           7

Bra size:        40DD      36D

Sometimes my numbers on the scale don't really move but there are other numbers moving! And rapidly changing. 

-80

This 162 was a number I always said "oh if I could get to the 160 range... That would be great!" All the while knowing it was the "one day" "yeah right" "just another one day, but it'll never happen" number. 

Well it's here. It feels good. It feels surreal and I have to still convince my photos are of me. 

That's last November to now! 

New style

NEVER imagine wearing what I do now... Size and style... 

Skinny jeans

Size SMALL shirt 

More skinny jeans

A dress! 

A different kristi

There was someone buried in there. Someone dying to get out. 

Fun!

Funny! (She cracks a lot of fat jokes now, only about herself)

Happy!

Photogenic! 

{mostly} Confident!

Loves shopping, for herself!

Smiles a lot! 

A whole new person! 

What does S mean

This is what I bought last night with my birthday money. This time last year I was in XXL. That's a far cry from where I am now. Where do I go from here... I think I'd fall over if I was an XS. Don't think I will be because my boobs are still bigger. Ok, big enough to need a small....

Feels good. 

What will you gain when you loose?

That was the tag line in a Special K commercial.. 

Never thought of it that way! 

Gain confidence

Gain the ability to enjoy clothes shopping and not think of it as torture.

Gain the ability to look in the mirror and see me, not the me I knew was in there somewhere... Covered in the fat. 

Gained the moments of clarity... To see it was an addiction and i do fight everyday still.

Gained a new found appreciation that I only need to eat to survive, not eat because I'm emotional, or bored. 

Gained insight on how much of our lives in this society revolves around the next meal or two. We don't plan to do anything without food involved.

Gained success I never imagined actually happening. I wanted to be smaller, but never thought I had it in me.

Gained the "I'm so proud of you" from my husband. I don't think he was ever disappointed but think he just only loved me... 

Gained the satisfaction of knowing for the the most part my kids don't remember or those memories will fade of having a fat mom. 

Gained goals that I have surpassed that always seemed to be goals but in reachable ones. 

Gained the knowledge of nutrition that never clicked before. It was like a lightbulb going off... Maybe drilled in over and over didn't hurt but it all made sense when I saw a nutrionalist! 

Gained "being an inspiration" from people I never knew I could inspire or did inspire! 

I've gained a lot when I lost. There is still more to gain and more to loose! 

Background photos

This weekend we went to a birthday party... While I'm ok with being in pictures now... They still catch me off guard. The party was at a pool and they had a photographer. At the end of the party the images just scrolled through for a slide show. There was a photo of a cute 1 year old. I know that's what the photo was taken up... But there in the background was two normal people. No heads, just them...  That's what I was looking at. The normal girl in the background was me. Me just there, not me just fat! 

Transformation Tuesday

So along with the text messages... Monty was going thru old pictures and kept getting stuck in between these two. Over and over he kept saying "squirrel!" "Squirrel! That doesn't look like you!"

He's a keeper

Random text message conversations make me smile. He's my number one fan and cheerleader. I couldn't ask for anything better. 

Another non scale victory

Another moment... The ones that a fat girl gets that a skinny girl never will... 

Tonight. Bathtub. No fat roll sticking out above water. 

Laugh, it's funny but true. The little things that make it all worth it. 77 down. It's worth all of it! 

He who contradicts himself

She's wrapped in a towel after getting out of the shower. Not her towel, but one she grabbed at the top of the stack of towels in the laundry room. She had to take a shower real quick and just grabbed a towel and moved on. It's one of the regular sized towels, her sons. 

She gets out, towel wrapped around and he just stares at her. It's a stare to study the situation, soak it all in and compare. 

"What are ya lookin at?"

"Just you!"

"Me, why, what's wrong."

"Nothing, just not used to seeing you with a towel that wraps all the way around you."

"Thought you didn't remember me being that big?"

"I don't. It's just little things like this. I see you like this and I see pictures of you from a year ago and it's hard to put the two together." 

He is the guy who contradicts himself. And I love him for that. 

Little changes

Lots of size changing these days.. The current stats: 

77 pounds down total. I see 80 around the corner. To loose 102 before the holidays seems do able!!! 

Jeans : 10 from 20

Shirts: small or medium from Xxl

Shoes: 8 from 9 (did you know your feet shrink?!?

Ring size: 7 from 10

I'm super excited about the ring. I was so embarrassed to have such big fingers. 

Been waiting for this comparison

It's been a year since I've seen Shannah. She loves me no matter what, thru thick and thin! She doesn't care. 

She just hugged me and said I looked fantastic. 

Last year to this year! 

Same drop

Off point! 

Proud pop quiz

Pop quiz... Who says what? 

1. He randomly pulls me aside to say he's proud. 

2. Every time I see her, she tells me how good I look and she knows I've lost weight since she's seen me, even if its just a week or two. 

3. She texts me "I'm so proud of you girl! Don't it feel good to see all the comments on your pictures?"

4. She texts my friend to say how I have inspired her... We have never met! 

5. She tells me she's so excited and hugs the new me and says "oh you just look so fantastic"

6. She comments on random pictures, how proud she is of me. We have met once. 

7. She shares her success and always tells me how proud she is of me, online since its been a few years since we have seen each other. 

8. She tells me when I doubt myself "you need smaller clothes, you are getting skinnier." 

9. She tells me how nice I look in a new outfit and brags on me every chance she gets about how much I've lost. 

10. He says "she's hardcore. She doesn't eat much and there is no way she will eat that pizza. She's lost almost like 100 pounds."

11. She asks how I do it, and says often how good I look.

12. She says "I'm so proud of you"... I haven't seen her in years. 

13. She says nothing, not one single word. Like there is nothing changed. 

14. He doesn't recognize me. Says nothing. 

Answers: 

1. Monty (husband)

2. Connie (mother in law)

3. Amy (friend)

4. Amy (Shannahs friend)

5. Shannah (friend)

6. Christy R. (Sisters friend)

7. Sarah (friend)

8. Chesnee (daughter)

9. Melba (neighbor/boss)

10. Nick (church pastor)

11. Dawn (high school friend)

12. Carla (moms old friend)

13. Brenda (mom)

14. Walter (dad) 

Updates on changes

I can usually see the difference In comparison photos... It helps me! 

Should say August 2012 and June 2013... 

Birthday comparisons

August to June 

November 2012 to July 2013... Same shirt... Then tight now tent

Swim shorts

These shorts on bottom were so tight I hurt wearing them. They fall down now. My new ones are on top. Quite a difference! 

What I saw in the mirror today

A normal person. I saw one chin, slim neck and shoulders. I saw a girl with a shape, other than round. I saw big dimples and a slim face. I saw something I was fine with seeing in the mirror. 

Lost a Chesnee

I was really excited to loose 68 pounds, a Chesnee.... Until she corrected me and said "no I weight 69" pounds. So I did it... Lost a Chesnee. 69 pounds. So close to 70. I'm only .3 away. So here is to tomorrow.... Being able to post -70! 

I don't mean to be mean, but how did you get so fat?

Words from the wonderful middle child... She has little-to-no filter. She's brutally honest. So honest sometimes it hurts. I'm kinda immune to her antics but she is who she is. And God gave her to me for a reason... 

A few Sundays ago... She said "I don't mean to be mean, but how did you get so fat?" 

Good question. 

I'd like to blame having babies. Back to back babies were a factor but not the reason. 

I do blame genes somewhat but... I don't think now it's genes... It's years of ignorance in good choices. We never ate healthy. We ate whatever... Whatever was served, fried... Always pasta and potatoes.... It was generations of eating like that. 

It was a lot of no one seeing me eat. Closet eating I guess. Late at night, Monty's at work and kids asleep... Why not eat 3 oatmeal cream pies? Some icing out of container? A bowl of ice cream? Sweetened condensed milk? 

Stop at the store get a candy bar and throw the evidence away before anyone sees you.  

Always throw away wrappers, always wash bowls or spoons. It was an addiction. Addicted to this toxic stuff slowly ruining my quality of life. 

No one thinks food falls into substance abuse, but why not? We need to eat to survive ... Not get a sugar high. 

It's what I did. My dr calls this AA for fat people and he's right. 

Cut out the bad and you go through withdraws... Headaches, cranky. It wasn't alcohol or Tabacco... But I abused it--- and that's how I got so fat! 

Whoa. I just got real! 

Fingers and toes

My wedding band was a size 6.

My 10 year anniversary band is a size 10.

Today, for Mother's Day, I got an "in the mean time ring" to wear while I'm loosing weight... It's a size 8.


My toes are painted. I painted them.... Because I could reach them. I didn't paint toes before but when I started painting my toes (I guess Okinawa the last time)... I couldn't bend down to paint them... I did, no problem! :)

It's the little things that are the big things!

What used to be

These shorts I bought and were too big but they fit. They were a 3xl. The ones on top are a medium. Never thought I'd be in a medium again.

Who is this?

It doesn't even look like me! I'm doing double takes and even Monty says that I don't even look like myself.

I also have recently acquired dimples... One of my more prominent facial features now and I think they have just appeared in the last couple of weeks.

CrAzy!

Pictures taken on chesnee's 8th birthday. Last year I told her she would have a skinnier mom for her birthday. 63 pound difference in her birthdays!

Good bye 180s

About time! 189-180 kicked my butt and sure held me up.... Peace out 8 on the scale!

Putting it back in the rack

Tonight I went shopping for an outfit for the weddings we are going to Saturday. I had all intentions of going in and getting a dress. That was a big fat NO! My stomach is still too fat. Ga-Ross!
Anyways.... I tried in various combos. I've also decided I'm not buying shirts anymore unless its a medium. That way, it fits now but I can wear it a while.
It felt amazing to put the size 14s up on my way out of the dressing room and grab the size 12s. Didn't ever expect to see this being something I'd have to deal with :)

Things I never thought I'd see again

4 month stats

Start weight: 242
4 month weight: 181
Total loss: 61
Starting shirts: XXL
4 month shirts: M/L
Starting jeans: 20
4 month jeans: 12/14

Best compliment yet

Sunday, as always, Monty is at church before us to practice. This week I was going to take photos for everyone who wanted them before a s after church. I was set up and just waiting for people... I stood there with the kids and Monty finally walked out. I was wearing a new outfit and Monty knew nothing of what I was wearing... He walked out and kinda towards us, then not, then finally we met up. He just looked confused .... And apparently he was.

He said he looked over, walked the other way, then realized he thought it was Qyn standing there... Then maybe it was the girls. He didn't know who they were standing with... And then realized it was me.

It floored him that he didn't know who I was. Me too.

Who knew

I'd get to this point?
From XXL?

Never thought I'd get here

60 pounds lighter.
I just thought I'd be doomed to being the fat girl forever.
I even doubted the surgery. How could my luck be good enough to loose a lot? Why do I deserve success?

But I'm here! I did it. I.... No one else! It was me. I still have a ways to go, and I've slowed down. I need to pick it back up. I have made a bet! Gotta give it a go, Chesnee has big money on the line -- $10! She's one of my biggest cheerleaders so I've gotta make her proud.

May 4.... Be 70 pounds down. That's a month. I get a fill next week so hope that takes away several pounds. I want to try to walk on the treadmill soon. Do something extra for me.

Praises

I have had quite the outpouring of support. I posted my full length photo on Facebook this Sunday and it was a constant stream of compliments. It felt sooooo good to have others see the change.

This week also hit the big 6-0... GONE!

Little things I know

I'm still getting super cold.

I cut my hair because its getting thin... I need more protein and to take vitamins.

I step on the scale every day. I keep myself accountable for seeing some change.

Most of my foods are really healthy and I look forward to them.

I take an occasional bite of cupcake and its enough, just a taste.

I don't buy anything in the checkout area where I used to just grab a candy bar every time.

I miss Mt. Dew and sweet tea but I'm fine with my crystal light and coffee.

I don't want my family to think they can't eat anything around me. It's my choices... Not theirs...

I'm learning to like new foods and again it's a choice and I'm ok with it.

My bra is getting big again and I've already changed sizes once.

I thought I'd drop sizes faster. 2 sizes for nearly 60 pounds doesn't sound fair but maybe I should have moved up a size earlier but refused to.

I don't mind seeing myself in the mirror really anymore.

I cross my legs a lot and missed that.

My arms hang to my sides, not stick out because they are too fat, resting on more fat all around.

I am thinner, and I can tell when I look at myself from the side in the mirror.

I'm more self confident than I was.

That shirt is big

Tonight I went on a walk with Courtney. I wore some yoga pants I got last year... Big but fine. I had on a tank top but hate my arms so threw on an old tshirt. I came back and Monty stood outside getting ready for work.
I bet five times he said "that shirt is huge on you." It fit three months ago.... Now it's tent status. Feels good! Thanks love!

4 to 60!

I suck at math so I literally have to just take my fat number and subtract my new number from it... On the calculator on my phone. Seriously!

SO put in my numbers and its 4 more pounds to 60 pounds. 60 seems so unreal. Seems like just another persons journey I am writing about, could this be about me? Just doesn't seem real...

But all the little things are there. Monty constantly reminds me, or not reminds me, but comments "Your butt is getting smaller".... I'd say that is his biggest comment out of the blue when he walks by.

Chesnee is another one to comment a lot. She is always making little comments about what is different. What is just a little different. Today it was "You look the same, you are just getting smaller, like every three weeks." She is one of the greatest little voices I hear. Shelby tries to be supportive but has some lessons to take in tact. She tries, bless her heart. She knows I am trying to loose weight and the other day she said "you need to work out Mom". She is always trying to get me to try all the gimmicks on tv to loose weight.... She tries to be supportive and thank goodness I know her....

So here is to the next 4 pounds to hit 60 down! So strange to think about! So excited to think about! 

Two fold

So remember the capris that made me cry because I slipped them on.... They have now been retired. They are huge... Feels good, surreal really. Feels like every time I go to my closet another thing goes to my garage sale pile. Feels good!
Then there is this pair for Levi's I bought years ago in the wrong size. They wouldn't take them back so they have followed me... Tag on for years. I've been trying to put them on sparatically for a while, wouldn't zip. Yesterday they zipped!

I'm starting to see the three bears syndrome... This one is too big, this is too small and this one is JUST RIGHT... For now :)

Unrecognizable

So we were walking the dogs today there was a girl that hasn't seen me in probably 6 months or more. We ended up talking for a while as the kids played.
She had walked up while I was facing the other day.
Through the course of conversation... She said when she walked up, she didn't even recognize me. Hmmm, Melba said that the other day. She said she looked over when she was walking out and didn't know who was vacuuming out my car....
It's good to be incognito now :)

It's coming, slowly but surely

The collar bone, the long awaited time of a sign... THE sign I wanted, collar bones.

Beautiful

I sit here bawling like a baby. I am watching the Biggest Loser and they were getting a make over. To watch them see themselves in new clothes, in clothes that were WAY smaller and to see them see what they really looked like.... it hit me hard! I KNOW that feeling and how overwhelming it can be.
When the reveal came on and they all showed up and showed family members what they looked like, the song, You Dont Know You're Beautiful came on. You can click the name for the song. Chesnee was sitting there and said "Hey Mommy, that song is about you, you are getting skinner and you don't know your beautiful."
Insert BAWLING like a baby! Tears of joy, yes, tears I never thought I could feel, yes!

Today I sit at 54 pounds down.... and that is my 10 year old! Something to think about!

Oops

Tonight I volunteered to bring food for my class at church. A couple had done it for two weeks so I wanted to help out...
Class starts 6:30
It's 6:05.... It hits me, I didn't buy drinks. I don't drink with meals and it didn't occur to me to plan for that.... How embarrassing but thank goodness it hit me earlier, I had {barely} enough time to run to the gas station and get some.
I guess this change has changed my way of thinking and I didn't even realize it....

BP

124/81.... That's a normal blood pressure. Something I didn't have 6, heck even 2 months ago. I was put on blood pressure meds in the early summer when it sat around 155 for the top number,don't know about the bottoms number.
But no medicine and its normal. They cuff even reads it, they always had to get the manual blood pressure stuff for me.

NSV: links

I got this watch for Christmas last year... I didn't wear it until August when I got a new link. It was too tight to wear more than a few minutes, leaving an indention in my wrist....
Now look at it!

Remember this above all else Kristi

NSV

Again, something lots of girls don't think twice about, until you don't do it.... Borrow clothes! I can't tell you the last time I've borrowed someone's clothes.... Like cant think of a time of when I did, to save my life...
Recently Melba and I took pictures for business cards (that were horrid so you won't see them) BUT I borrowed her shirt for the pictures... And it was FOREIGN! 100% foreign to borrow someone's clothes.
Non scale victory.... I never even saw coming!

My cheerleader

I was going to go out and get some fancy card, but that card will be long gone one day and I hope this blog will outlast the card so here is the Thanks to my Cheerleader post....

Words can not adequately express the appreciation I have for my cheerleader. HE is the one to keep me going and he doesnt even know it.

Thank you. Thank you for so many things.

Thanks for the comments you make when you dont even think about what you are saying "Your butt is getting smaller!" "If you eat that, it will go STRAIGHT TO YOUR A$$". "You're already out of that size?"

These keep me grounded, they make me realize that changes are happening, even if I cant see it! Thank you for pointing out things to me. You are the eyes that I dont have yet. I cant see a lot of changes but, through you, I can see more.

Thanks for the support, 100% for me. To know that I am doing this to feel better for me, not you or anyone else. You truly love me for me, not this outter shell I am trying to change and mold into something better (again for me).

Thanks for the encouragement... The "nah, you got this" when I hesitate to think Ill make my next goal. Thanks for being the person who knows my next goal and my "number".

Thanks for loving me, through the thick and now onto the thin... And I guess from the thin to the thick if we are thinking about an entire timeline.... I'm embarrassed to have to get back to thin but you loving me regardless is such a blessing to me, to my heart and to the path I am taking.

You give me things to look forward to and work towards. Things for us to do together. Fun things and thanks for WANTING me to join you.

You get me through this. You see the change! You make me feel good about myself! You make me smile, with your words or reactions! You give me little things, but they are big things to me! I heart you and thank you, my love!

Five-0

50! Done this morning. One more pound ill be halfway to my {first} goal and I said I'd reveal my fat number here. Maybe tomorrow?
Now to celebrate the 50 pounds. What to do?

Give yourself a break

I'm really hard on myself these days. I put myself in a bad mood if I weigh in the morning with no weight loss. I need to quit that. That being said, I need to be aware if eating habits. I am, but they are usually a direct reflection of the weight loss. The less carbs, the more I'm loosing. I just need to stay aware. I finally broke my weeks stall this weekend. Seemed like I was there forever... Since in knocking on 50 pounds.... Been hovering at 47 for too long. Ugh. Yesterday I hit 49. So close, we will see today though. I can tell in clothes I'm loosing, the jeans are getting too big in my legs... My chest is shrinking like nobody's business, so is my upper stomach. Still too big in my belly but that's the last place to go :(

Holy salad

I try to order small because its such a waste on me. I swear Monty's lucky, I'm a cheap date. So I ordered a small salad, said the menu.... Here is the small salad and then the next picture is the little bit I was able to eat.

Nsv

Skinny people don't get it, fat girls do! The towel, regular towel, not the spa sized large towel... Wraps around!